There are a couple of girls in my classes that are just drop dead gorgeous. They have nice dark, thick hair, and the most beautiful bone structure, and they know exactly how to do their makeup and exactly how to dress. It makes me feel so ugly. I wear the same thing to school everyday, and my hair falls flat, and no matter how I do my makeup, it never makes a difference. We were doing a video project in class and I saw myself on the camera and I looked awful. My face looked washed out and my hair  was dull. My self-esteem took a bit of a plummet. I just wore sweatpants today. Who am I trying to impress, anyway? I won’t remember these people ten, or even five years from now.

The song “Kiss You Goodnight” my Meg & Dia has been stuck in my head since this morning. I blasted it on my way to school. It felt good.

I had a dream last night that my dad had passed away. In my dream, I was at my grandma’s house (who died about ten years ago). I went up to my dad’s old bedroom, and when I walked in, it was full of musical instruments. There were old guitars and bongos and a piano. My mom said something like, “Look. I think I can see your dad.” He was standing right there in the doorway, like a sort of blurred, transparent apparition. I looked down at the table that was to my left and there was an ashtray with a cigarette that was left burning. Then the fire alarms sounded. I leaned over the railing on the stairway. The house had caught fire from another cigarette that hadn’t been put out. The smoke was swirling. Then the phone rang, which woke me up, but I went back to sleep too quickly to hear who called.

When I was getting ready for school this morning, I overheard my mom on the phone. She said, “Should I call a funeral home, or…? I’m not quite sure what to do. Yes, Robert Martin.” That’s when I knew that he had died. I’m upset because he’s my dad, you know? And I wish I could have somehow made his life better. He was always so unhappy, and I feel partly responsible, even though I probably shouldn’t. Anyway, the doctors took out his tracheotomy the other day because they thought he was strong enough to handle it. He was fine at first, but he had an episode in the middle of the night. The nurses say he was very peaceful, though, and that he was very accepting of his fate. He was in really poor physical condition, and he said that if he had to spend the rest of his life like that, then he would have preferred to die on the operating table. I hope I see him again someday.

Anyway, never say that dreams don’t come true. I was unlucky enough to have mine play out.

I’ve been so depressed.

I’ve stopped caring about my blog. Sorry.

Anonymous asked: are you going to the beatles: the lost concert" movie when it comes out next month?

Nah, probably not.

I woke up an hour ago. I got frustrated because I couldn’t fall back asleep, so here I am. I only slept for about two hours last night. I’m going to be so tired for my date tonight. Ugh!

i pressed alt + reblog button